God vs. His followers

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am 23 years old and have been a pastors kid (pk) my whole life, that in its self is a story. My whole life people have put this huge expectation for who I should be what I should act or talk like. God forbid I let out a swear word, I am rotting in hell for it! Even now that I am a young adult I am still expected to be the perfect, well behaved little girl.
It seems like there are only two types of pk’s in the world, the perfect ones or the wild ones, unfortunately I feel on the wild side drinking, smoking, and sex before marriage, now if that’s not the ultimate sin a “christen” can make, I don’t know what is!
Like an normal person in the christen community I went through a  phase in my life where I questioned God, did I believe in Him? Did He actually love my? And my answer is yes I do believe in Him and yes, not only does He love me but I love Him. So I went to bible school where I was surrounded with people who loved God. It was awesome! I loved sitting and talking about the amazing things God has done in my life and watching him provide for me, it was amazing. Then I slipped into sin my weakness I had sex with a guy just for the sack of having sex. The school found out and since this was my second offence they had asked me to leave campus in 24 hours a week before my graduations, now this college was almost 2,000 miles away from my home. I had to call a friend tell them what I had done and ask them to come pick me up.
I was so hurt, not by the fact that they were asking me to leave because that was just a consequence of my actions, but how the staff and the people I called my friends treated me. Suddenly I was the harlot, I had a plague that everyone else could catch “the sex plague”, no one would talk to me. I remember 3 staff bringing me into there office and telling me that they know what I have done and with who, they knew that I was going to bars and drinking and asked me repeatedly to tell me who else was involved as they wrote down every word I said. They tell me I have 24 hours to get off campus and I am sitting in the office balling my eyes out and they promptly tell me that I can clean myself up in the staff bathroom because they have another meeting. After cleaning myself up I walk outside and just sit crying, I could not walk anymore, I see my best friend who was also a staff member look at me turn there head and walk on like they never saw me. The place where I actually felt like was my family, my home has just crumbled under my feet.
Christen always preach about loving past the sin, see who they are going to be not who they are at there moment of weakness. I did not see any of that. All my life I have had people tell me I should not do this or that because I am a pk, no I should not do this or that because I am a christen being  a pk should not even be in the mix.
Here is my struggle I love God with all my heart, I believe the word of God are words to live by, however I am not living as a christen, I am not living like I love the Heavenly Father because I don’t like his followers, so judgemental, so black and white. I do not want to be defined by every mistake I make or every time I slip into sin wither that be stealing, lying, sex, drugs, homosexual ext. I want to be defined as someone who has a calling, someone worth something, someone who is not weak but strong in Christ, but how do I do that when I am so hurt by His people, How do I move on and open up to people again without the thought of them judging me?
How do I live like Jesus Christ did hanging out with the “low life” people. The church is to be a hospital for the broken not a religious hut, I don’t know about you but I am broken and I need God, I need His True follower around who will build me up and support me.


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